for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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