I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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