dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
