i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
