Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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