he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
