so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
