At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
