I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
