It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
