living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
