I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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