You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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