U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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