I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
