dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
