I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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