You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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