one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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