see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
