i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I want a musical about memes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
