We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
