anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
