Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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