I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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