I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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