my mouth tastes like poor choices
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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