the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
