it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
