Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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