Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
