my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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