That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
