mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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