So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
