He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
