Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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