You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
