You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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