I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
