I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
