genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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