I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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