I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
