i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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