Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
two words: eviction party
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
where are my eyebrows?
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