Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
