I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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