im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
