Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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