dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
