Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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